Lifestyle

It takes two to combat mistrust in a relationship

Q MY HUSBAND thinks I am cheating on him but I am not.

I never have and every once in a while he gets it in his head that I have met someone else and am preparing to leave him.

I don't do anything to prompt him thinking this.

Nothing in our routine or intimacy changes, and I'm as affectionate as I always am.

He has been cheated on in the past and has self-esteem problems so I think he tends to be more negative about relationships.

But to be honest, I'm growing tired of the jealousy and suspicion and lack of trust.

I want to make the marriage work, but how do I get him to believe I am his faithful wife?

 

A When someone has low self-esteem and has been cheated on and rejected in the past, they may develop a fear of being left again, as well as a low sense of self-worth.

They may feel unworthy of long-time love and devotion and become a person who believes they aren't worth staying with.

Their fear can grow stronger and in fact sometimes can manifest into reality.

We can create that which we fear by not understanding ourselves.

If what you say is true and there is no outward change in your relationship, it sounds as though from time to time his fear overwhelms him and his mind starts to tell him the relationship must be coming to an end, you must have found someone else and discovered he is not enough for you, and so he convinces himself this must be the case.

Innocent as you are of his fears, it must be frustrating to have to deal with them on an ongoing basis.

Has he tried counselling to address his anxiety about the marriage and you as a partner leaving him?

Have you tried counselling together to learn effective communication together?

Communication in a marriage is not just about talking, but listening and understanding what is in each other's hearts, minds as well as the baggage we all carry into relationships from our childhood and past relationships.

It would be important that you both break this reactive cycle of waiting for his fear, jealousy and sense of worthlessness to grow and dominate, and then cope with it when it rears its head.

It would be far better to create a healthy relationship in which you both feel safe, supported, loyal, trusting and loved.

Given your husband's past and self-esteem issues, it may take some time to achieve this, but even initiating the process is a hopeful and healthy step.

So if you want the marriage to work in the long term, the responsibility of healing the mistrust and disbelief between you rests with both of you.

It's not just up to him to address his fears and baggage and not just up to you to manage your frustrations and reactions.

Both of you must commit to a co-operative and supportive relationship with each other, determined to set new patterns and communication together, without fear of cheating, leaving or dishonesty and with understanding, commitment and true partnership.

A counsellor can help guide you in this process, but in the end, it will be up to both of you to change the way you think, and love.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  dating, lifestyle, love, relationships



Big October approaching for bowls

SPRING BOWLS: The greens will be packed as October promises a big month of bowls.

October to heat up the greens.

Taste of the Caldera can be found in a glass of rum

Paul Messenger hand cuts the sugar cane to make Husk Distillers Rum.

This Tweed distiller is on the cutting edge of innovation.

Blood thicker than water for ex-Shark Wheeler

Mal Wheeler will be cheering son-in-law Blair on in Sunday's grand final. Blair is pictured scoring a try against Canberra in last weekend's preliminary final.

I have my shirt and beanie and they're both purple.

Local Partners

Janet Jackson's pregnancy is 'best thing'

Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson can't wait to become a mum

Jay Z signs two-year movie and TV deal

Rapper Jay Z

Rapper Jay Z has signed a television and movie deal

Nowhere to Hyde: Matt Nable is Australia's man in demand

Matt Nable stars as Detective Gary Hyde in the TV series Hyde & Seek.

NABLE returns to the small screen amidst busy film work.

Marvel's Luke Cage S1E7: Manifest review

Mike Colter in a scene from the TV series Marvel's Luke Cage. Supplied by Netflix.

*WARNING: spoilers if you haven't seen Marvel's Luke Cage*

Marvel's Luke Cage S1E6: Suckas Need Bodyguards review

Rosario Dawson and Mike Colter in a scene from the TV series Marvel's Luke Cage. Supplied by Netflix.

*WARNING: spoilers if you haven't seen Marvel's Luke Cage*

Marvel's Luke Cage S1E5: Just To Get A Rep review

Mahershala Ali, centre, in a scene from the TV series Marvel's Luke Cage. Supplied by Netflix.

*WARNING: spoilers if you haven't seen Marvel's Luke Cage*

Beach-side real estate starts at $85k on Fraser Coast

HERVEY BAY REAL ESTATE: You can buy this townhouse in Scarness for under $300k.

Live your beach-living dream locally.

Penthouse in beach paradise

Take in the beach front views from the balcony of 701/ 4-10 Douglas Street, Kirra.

This beachfront penthouse is the perfect place to enjoy the views.

Casuarina sets the benchmark in Tweed market

Our property market is as strong as it's been since the crisis

UPDATE: Former rodeo champ's sale rained out, now back on

Larkhill local Ken Consiglio is having an auction of most of the things on his property.

'People kept showing up and we had to turn them away'

Couple build their own 'tiny house' for $45k

Holly Bowen and Oli Bucher built their "tiny house" themselves, only hiring a plumber and an electrician. Photo/supplied

The house, which is built on a trailer and can be towed.

Sunshine Beach property breaks real estate record

The property overlooks Sunshine Beach, as the backyard lawn meets the sand.

Sunshine Beach mansion sale smashes real estate record