New Batman villain revealed

THE State Government has confirmed reports that the Premier is in top secret talks with Hollywood moguls who are keen for him to be the villain in the next Batman movie.

Government insiders said a character based on Premier Campbell "Can-Do" Newmanic was likely to feature in the next Batman film, tentatively titled The Dark Knight Turns Up.

The plot centres on a fast-talking, mild mannered city official who takes over the state of Gotham after promising to rid it of a giant debt that is threatening to destroy homes and send grandchildren broke.

The people are mesmerised by a four-point policy plan so complicated that they assume it must be good. In the process they elect a massive team of unlikely candidates not witnessed since the Police Academy movies.

"Once he gets into power the villain, known only as 'Can-Do', gradually reveals his true agenda to rid the state of public servants and leftist institutions, such as the arts," the insider revealed.

"He is also trying to get his hands on some weapons-grade plutonium but, as with most action movies, it is never really clear why this is the case.

"He may be trying to blow up the debt."

In the plot, Can-Do promises during the election to decrease the cost of living and only reveals later that this would be achieved by sacking people and forcing them to live cheaper on the dole.

As the movie unfolds, Can-Do is assisted by the sinister Cardboard Box Man who appears like a grim reaper at the desks of public servants, packs up their personal belongings and throws their coffee mug out the window.

The local police force is powerless to stop the new villain because they are restricted to a 2.2% pay rise that leaves them glum and ineffective.

Batman appears only in the last five minutes of the film when he shows up at the bank as billionaire Bruce Wayne and pays off the state debt with his credit card.

Eventually the people of Gotham turn on Can-Do and he is forced to join a right-wing think-tank and write a weekly column for a financial journal that nobody reads.


Superhero Obsession

Humans are slightly obsessed with superheroes because deep down they like the idea of someone rescuing them when they are in trouble.

Curiously, not all superheroes have super powers.

Some just have money and spend time in the gym.

Batman, for example, is really just a rich guy with a boomerang. He also has a decent car, a useful utility belt and a side-kick called Robin.

The most famous superhero is Superman. He has the whole deal - super strength, speed, X-ray vision, heat vision, Lois Lane and the ability to fly.

Unfortunately when exposed to a mineral called kryptonite he turns into jelly.

"Yay," people think. "Superman has arrived everything will be okay."

Then the villain pulls out kryptonite. "Bugger," people think.

"That didn't quite go as expected."

Thirsty Cow is fiction. We totally make this stuff up. Does that make us bad people?


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Topics:  campbell newman humour lifestyle opinion politics thirsty cow

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