Opinion

Not even sex on a trampoline will bring on a Royal baby

Caroline Hutchinson
Caroline Hutchinson

IS IT just me or is everyone so glad they are not a princess?

The Duchess of Cambridge must hate being stalked by media hoping for a right royal breaking of the water.

Under the best of circumstances the last two weeks of confinement are torturous, even for a duchess and I don't imagine quarter-hour breakfast TV updates from the pavement outside the maternity ward would help.

All three of my babies were overdue and it drove me crazy; imagine every random acquaintance, neighbour, colleague and bloke at the paper shop asking, "Haven't you had that baby yet?"

"Are you sure there's a baby in there?" and my personal favourite: answering the phone to hear the caller sigh with disappointment that I was still intact.

I know everyone loves a baby but it's not the mother's fault if it doesn't come on time. By the time I got to the labour ward I was usually answering the phone "No, I bloody haven't had it yet." Just to save the caller some small talk.

Just in case you're pregnant right now, I can tell you absolutely no advice to "bring on the baby" works.

Over three tardy inmates I cleaned every window in my house, mowed the lawn, ate pineapple, had a curry, ran up and down stairs, drank castor oil, went four-wheel-driving and had sex on a trampoline in a thunderstorm.

I apologise to my husband, mother and especially my children if they are reading this, but it's true and it didn't work.

Not sure if Wills and Kate own a trampoline but if they do, no need to get jiggy with it. It's slippery, hard to co-ordinate and it was a little bit scary when lightning struck and I thought Mrs Cameron from next door might be peering over the fence.

It turns out babies don't care what the date is or how many people are waiting to meet them, they do things in their own sweet time.

Just one good thing about being a duchess.

Unlike me, when Kate feels trim taut and terrific in a few weeks, when the baby is snuggled up at home with her mum and she ducks out to the paper shop, the bloke behind the counter probably won't look at her belly and ask, "You still not had that baby?"

Topics:  caroline hutchinson duchess of cambridge editors picks kate middleton royal family



Nationals will not stop Essential Energy job cuts

Essential Energy workers are facing forced redundancies within weeks, according to unions.

Nationals leader rules out blocking Essential Energy's 600 job cuts

Where there's a will, there's $75,000 for orphanage

A man has left a third of his $232,000 estate to the Grafton orphanage.

St Joseph's Cowper children's home receives $75,000 from will

SPECIAL: Tweed's class of 2016

Kingscliff High School Formal @ Bond Uni - Kelsey Bonser, Cormac Lawrence

Souvenir of all the Tweed formals

Local Partners

David Attenborough on facing his mortality

Sir David Attenborough in a scene from the TV special The Death of the Oceans.

Life without Sir David Attenborough is hard to imagine

Goooodbye Hamish and Andy (from our radios)

Hamish and Andy

The pair have been on air since 2006

Saying "I do" changed Shia's outlook on marriage

Shia LaBeouf has a new outlook on marriage since he tied the knot.

Singer tunes in to first movie role

Tori Kelly voices the character Meena in the movie Sing.

Musician Tori Kelly voices Meena the teenage elephant in Sing

Cricketing greats bring Aussie mateship to commentary box

Cricket commentator Adam Gilchrist.

ADAM Gilchrist enjoys the fun of calling the Big Bash League.

The dead help solve the case

Debut novel delivers on wit, violence and shock

Chinese locked out of Australian property market

The rules are different if you're a foreigner

The buyer was from China - the trouble started right there

Morrison signs off on new affordable rental model

Australia's Treasurer Scott Morrison speaks during a press conference after a meeting of the Council of Federal Financial Relations at Parliament House in Canberra, Friday, Dec. 2, 2016.

Scott Morrison signed off on development of a new financing model

Coast high-flyer's fight back from bankruptcy, $72m debt

Scott Juniper went from millionaire developer to declaring bankruptcy in2012, now he is back on top of his game again with new developments including this one in Coolum.

'Apocalyptic lending storm' causes financial collapse.

Multi-level waterfront living in Bilambil Heights

121 Peninsula Dr, Bilambil Heights

Check out this week's feature property.

Retreat along the Rous River

701 Dulguigan Road, North Tumbulgum

Check out this week's feature property.

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!