Boozy boys’ night turns vile
A BOOZE-soaked party night has taken a nasty turn on Married At First Sight, with several of the grooms making vile remarks about their brides and causing a major rift in the group.
By the way, you may have noticed James Weir is taking another day off from doing these recaps.
He yelled some things about "Telv's party pics" and "love doesn't exist anymore" and "stress leave", so yeah, I guess we're all starting to feel the pressure.
Anyway, tonight all the grooms are ready to blow off some steam, and have decided to get together to compare Tarocash shirts and drink beer.
Before we start sniffing around there though, let's review the past 24 hours at MAFS HQ.
It seems like everything's falling apart, which is super annoying because I used to be able to just skip over the happy couples and save myself some work, but now that their relationships have all turned into dumpster fires, I'm forced to give them attention.
Speaking of dumpster fires, we head over to Telv and Sarah's place.
They're still furious at each other over that big blowout yesterday, and I forget all the details but I'm pretty sure Sarah was kicking off because Telv didn't let her watch that funny Snapchat with him.
Just days ago they were telling anyone who'd listen that they'd finally gotten saucy in the sack, and now they're both threatening to leave.
Honestly, it's nice to see people are finally reading my relationship guide.
Telv tells Sarah that he "needs time" to think about whether he wants to stay in the experiment and it's looking pretty grim.
Meanwhile, Justin and Carly are dealing with the fact that they are so repulsed by each other that they've literally been given sex chores.
Justin sets out to fulfil the first of the tasks set by Dr Trisha, and heads to his local Bras N Things to pick up some lingerie for Carly. Only trouble is, they sell mens' delicates too, and he's loving himself sick in the briefs so decides to treat himself instead.
Meanwhile, Carly swallows the bile in her throat and sends him a spicy text, loaded up with eggplant emojis.
He sends this back ...
... and she insists he gather his things and move out.
When we check back in with Sarah and Telv, she's crying on the couch in front of relationship expert John Aiken, and telling us all that she's tenth on the list of Telv's priorities.
Then she lists the things that come before her and they are 1) the gym and 2) also the gym, and yeah, I got 52% in General Maths but even I know that's some shoddy counting.
John Aiken tells her so, and Telv and Sarah make up.
Troy's fallen deep into his Mrs Robinson fantasies about Ashley's mum, Stephanie and takes her out on a date under the guise of talking about his wife, Ashley.
I'm all about sneaky tactics to make your partner jealous but I think targeting the mum could be a misfire.
Over tea, Troy compliments Stephanie's, hair, face and figure before giving her his best Sexy Face, and no number of showers will ever make me feel clean again.
In Melbourne, Charlene refuses to accept that Patrick's mum doesn't like her, so she arranges for the two of them to hang out at a painting lesson.
They have yet another awkward conversation about how Ruby's not buying that their relationship will work, and just when I'm thinking what a waste of time this whole day has been, we get a glimpse of Charlene's masterpiece.
It's incredible to imagine that there's anyone left to tell about Dean's dalliance with Davina, but it seems Tracey's birth mother is still in the dark.
Patrick asks Dean bluntly if he's done the wrong thing by her daughter, and after he begins heaping all the blame on Davina, she tells him she's not here for his bulls**t.
"My really worrying concern is, will you do it again?" she asks him, and we all nod emphatically.
But strap yourselves in, because the real drama happens hours later at the boys' night, where the grooms try and trade in their brides and discuss who has a hot mum.
Before it heats up though, the boys are high-fiving and saying "bro" a lot as they sink beers and it's not long before Telv opens up about his troubles with Sarah.
Dean, who - and I cannot stress this enough - two-timed his wife and has been universally branded as the worst husband this show has ever seen - realises what the situation is calling for: his relationship advice.
He tells us how sceptical he is about Telv and Sarah's future together, and my eyes just rolled so hard I've pulled a muscle.
Patrick's not impressed, and he pulls Telv away to tell him to stop listening to a fully-grown adult who goes by the rap name Visionz.
Back inside, it's become abundantly clear that Dean still seems to think he might be on Wife Swap. He's tired of being the only guy getting dragged for trying to change partners, and decides to launch his masterplan to get everyone to do the ol' switcheroo.
Justin's fresh from being dumped and keen to look like he's the one who made the call, so he's right on board and tells the group he's "more attracted to girls like Ash".
Troy's there, but he's trying to hook up with Ashley's mum, so he's not too bothered.
We've watched as Dean's explosive love triangle played out with Davina and Tracey, but tonight, he delivers yet another bombshell: There was another girl he liked first.
"I'll be honest, at the beginning, I was into Carly," he says proudly. "Judging solely on her appearance."
Then the truth bombs start coming thick and fast.
"Carly's running around telling everyone she wants Dean as well. That's no secret," Justin tells the group.
Dean replies smugly: "I have, at times, felt a vibe from Carly."
Just as we're dry-retching, Justin drops yet another clanger: "Yeah, she fancies Dean and Troy."
By now, Patrick and John are feeling kind of bummed to be part of this whole scene, and Patrick tells us he's feeling really uncomfortable.
Dean then jokingly asks the group if anyone wants to bang Tracey, before trying to facilitate an actual wife swap between Troy and Justin.
Before the group wraps up and waltzes out of there in a cloud of back-pats, Patrick warns them all that he'll be telling his wife everything that went on, and Troy's stunned face pretty much sums up their response.
For more observations on sex chores or General Maths, tweet me @brontecoy.