Why I couldn't, wouldn't have sex with my pregnant wife
IN THE early stages before there was any belly bulge, the knowledge that my partner was pregnant was kind of a turn-on, but beyond that it was frisky business as usual, as there wasn't much difference to how the sex normally was.
But as my partner started to show more and more, I noticed a slowdown in my drive. And that decrease in me exactly matched her increase.
'I didn't want to let her down'
It got to the point where I couldn't perform. More than once. After that, I was less inclined to go there as I could see it was denting her confidence. I didn't want to let her down and be the one that made her feel unattractive. But I was letting her down anyway.
And as any guy can attest, this little spiral of thought when you're getting amorous is a one-way ticket to Mr. Floppytown.
No. This is too simplistic. We need to explore further. It wasn't about a decrease in sex drive for me, or that silly little thought spiral. That's a cop-out as far as I'm concerned. This is the thing. I actually recall feeling worried for her. And the baby. I know, I know, I know it's supposed to be good for the baby, but it wasn't the actual penetration of sex that was worrying me, it was the unwieldy movement required to manoeuvre a reasonably (and then heavily) pregnant woman around to comfortably have sex.
'I was worried I was going to hurt her'
I was worried that I'd accidentally knee or elbow the belly and cause a miscarriage because I'm quite clumsy. I was a f***ing hypochondriac about it. So there was that physical worry, but then also there was the simple act of her or I being on top and feeling the belly squash against me. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling physically, it was just that I was worried we were squashing the baby. And we all know where this worry leads in the heat of the moment don't you?
'She was glowing, she was womanly, her boobs were awesome'
I could NOT shake it. It wasn't that I didn't find her attractive - she was glowing, she was womanly, her body were awesome, she smelled great and she was up for it at the drop of a hat. It was that damn beautiful belly and the stupid, unfounded worry for it, that then turned into shame at myself for making my woman feel like I didn't desire her, for not satisfying her when she was clearly wanting sex, and for robbing her of something that could have been really beautiful and intimate and would never come around again.
It just became a huge albatross around my neck that would start whispering sweet floppy nothings in my ear before we even attempted to get down to it. So I ended up deflecting and avoiding sex to escape the feelings of failure.
'It's been my deep, dark secret and something that still shames me today'
I am a physical person and I do love and desire my partner and I loved how she looked pregnant. Yet I'd managed to completely balls up the sex during pregnancy thing.
Maybe I'm too hard on myself. Maybe I'd put too much pressure on myself. One thing's for certain though, even though it had been a limp affair, there has been one silver lining to it:
The sex after pregnancy is utterly mind-bogglingly incredible. When we can find five minutes of kid-free peace to actually do it.