‘Merry f***ing Xmas, Australia’
AUSTRALIA reclaimed the Ashes courtesy of a thumping win in the third Test in Perth.
Wet weather caused a lengthy delay on Monday morning but nothing was going to stop Steve Smith's men running through the Poms' batting line-up and ensuring the urn returned Down Under.
Here are all the talking points from day five.
ENGLAND REACTS: 'MERRY F***ING CHRISTMAS'
England fans were left to rue another Ashes tour gone horribly wrong.
After the 5-0 whitewash suffered in 2013-14, all signs point towards another drubbing as the visitors have nothing but pride to play for.
Aussie icon, actor Russell Crowe, took great delight in poking fun at the tourists, prompting a salty response from English media personality and cricket tragic Piers Morgan.
Past players and supporters weighed in on what went wrong for England across the opening three Tests of the summer.
Former England captain Michael Vaughan said he hopes all-rounder Ben Stokes is hurting more than the players who took the field at the WACA because he let them down when he became involved in a violent incident on a night out in Bristol in September.
Stokes was not included in the touring party because he was the subject of a police investigation, robbing England of its X-factor.
"I hope that Ben Stokes is watching and I hope he's hurting more than the team in the dressing room because as soon as Ben Stokes did what he did it was very clear to me he was going to struggle to be in Australia," Vaughan told BT Sport.
"I said it straight away that I didn't think England would have any chance of competing out here without Ben Stokes."
Joe Root said after play he hopes veterans Alastair Cook, Stuart Broad and Jimmy Anderson are all still playing 12 months from now despite Cook and Broad in particular having next to no impact so far.
Root wasn't keen on the idea of wholesale changes for the sake of them, saying the team will be trying to bounce back in the final two Tests of the series.
But England great Kevin Pietersen said his former side needs to use the result as a catalyst to rebuild.
Vaughan agreed, saying Root needs to decide what he stands for and build a team to replicate the culture he wants embedded within England cricket. The Ashes-winning captain said it's time to make hard calls, such as dropping Broad for the upcoming tour of New Zealand.
"Stuart has not bowled well all year," Vaughan wrote in an article for The Telegraph. "Taking 25 wickets at nearly 40 is not good enough for Broad, particularly given some of the wickets he has bowled on.
"He has not bowled in Australia to the standard he would have liked so maybe the call is to leave him out for a while.
"Send him back to county cricket and say, 'Come on do you really, really want it?' Does he want to be touring, putting in all the hard work, training and going to team meetings and living under a curfew? Do other senior guys really want that? If they do great, but the only way to find out is to challenge them."
PITCH DEBACLE CAUSES CHAOS
There was uproar before play even got underway on day five as a mishap with the covers saw several wet patches appear on the WACA pitch.
The ground staff in Perth was criticised for failing to protect the deck from the elements and there was a genuine fear the conditions would be deemed too dangerous and the match would end in a draw without a ball being bowled on Monday.
The WACA team went to extreme lengths to dry the pitch, using leaf blowers on the wet patches.
Steve Smith said it was a "shame" for the match to be marred by something that shouldn't happen at international level.
"It was a shame that some water was able to get through the covers in the first place in an international venue," he said in his post-game press conference.
"I feel the umpires made the right call to get us back on and play the game.
"The whole thing almost dried out and it was hard and they deemed it fit to play and I supported their decision."
Joe Root was seen shaking his head after talking to the umpires in the morning but later said they did a good job dealing with the unusual situation.
"The pitch from those spots didn't misbehave or become dangerous," he said.
"When we got here this morning it definitely wasn't fit to play. It obviously dried up as the sun got to it and the wind got to it ... and I think by the end there it was probably fit to play."
England legend Geoffrey Boycott said the ground staff had "c**ked it up" and made a "big, big error" and former spinner Graeme Swann said the visiting camp was furious.
"They're not happy at all," Swann told BT Sport.
Ex-Aussie captain Ricky Ponting called it "farcical" and former Australian wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist had some sympathy for the tourists.
"They're already dealing with this crack now they're dealing with this moisture in the wicket that should not be there - it's a Test match cricket venue," Gilchrist told BT Sport.
SMITH FUMES AFTER CONTROVERSIAL START
Moeen Ali came to the crease in the second over of the day after Josh Hazlewood bowled Jonny Bairstow with his first delivery of the afternoon. Ali hit his second ball for four but two balls later he edged Hazlewood to Steve Smith at second slip.
The ball bobbled up and Smith caught the rebound but the third umpire was called upon to adjudicate if the Kookaburra hit the turf before it slapped into Smith's hands.
The ball appeared to hit Smith's fingers down low, which caused it to bounce up, but third umpire Aleem Dar gave it not out because replays gave the impression the ball may have bounced up off the grass.
Umpire Marais Erasmus gave a soft signal of not out, meaning Dar was obliged to support that decision if he couldn't find conclusive evidence to the contrary.
Smith kicked the grass in frustration when "not out" came up on the big screen and Hazlewood had some words for Ali at the end of the over.
Channel Nine commentators Shane Warne and Mark Taylor both believed Smith caught it, but understood why Dar didn't give it out because he could not be 100 per cent sure.
"Looking at Steve Smith's hands, he has them under the ball for me and the ball has bounced up from his fingers into the palm of his hand, right there," Warne said.
"That ball hasn't hit the grass. Fingers are underneath the ball.
"I think everybody watching knows it is out, and the player knows it is out."
MALAN SHOWS SOME FIGHT
Dawid Malan backed up his first innings hundred with a half century in the second dig.
He showed plenty of grit to defy the wet patches and cracks on the WACA deck, scoring 54 before he was unluckily caught down the leg side off a Josh Hazlewood bouncer.
That tally, combined with his 140 scored across days one and two, means Malan now has the record for the most runs by an Englishman in a Perth Test. His 302 runs for the series is already more than any batsman managed on the Poms' last tour of Australia in 2013-14.
In that 5-0 whitewash Kevin Pietersen was the best with the willow, scoring 296 runs across the five Tests.