Understanding the opposite sex

IF IT'S true that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and the results of our recent survey, 10 things you want your man or woman to know, are anything to go by, then any day now that little Curiosity robot scooting around the red planet will stumble upon a giant pub.

The pub will have wall to wall big screens showing nothing but sport, and rooms upstairs where wives and girlfriends wait to have sex with "their blokes", whenever the blokes feel like it. (These wives and girlfriends will also be largely mute and emotionless).

And ladies, before we get too smug and start smirking into our skinny chai lattes about stereotypical blokes based on the same survey, if they sent a similar little probe up to Venus, it would discover a bunch of women who want their men to find them sexy all the time, but not to want have sex all the time.

Women who want totally equality, except for when there's an icky job to do ... you get the picture.

In fairness, I should point out that the control group for our scientific study was fairly uncontrolled; limited to about 50 men and women, but let's not get bogged down in that.

The fact remains that there were too many similarities in the responses to not see a pattern forming.

For example, every bloke but one said he wanted more sex and less talking.

And almost all the women said they wanted to talk more (and not just about sex).

So is it madness trying to coexist?

"Of course it's madness," says comedian, columnist and all-round domestic diva Mandy Nolan.

"But that's part of the glorious chaotic nature of relationships.

"It's the friction and tension that makes it beautiful.

"Like creating a pearl. There's nothing like a bit of dirt in your shell to make things interesting."


TEN THINGS men want women to know

1. They want more sex

None of our respondents seemed to be particularly fussed with the quality or duration of the sex; they just wanted more of it.

2. They really, really don't want to talk about it

"Stop asking me what I'm really thinking, because I'm not really thinking anything," one said.

3. They don't want you to ask them how you look

"This is the very definition of damned if I do, damned if I don't," one said.

"If I say you look great you don't believe me, and if I say you could find something better, I'm in trouble. So don't ask me."

4. They don't want you to change them

"Sure I can improve and make changes," one said.

"But don't get together with me as one man and try to change me into another."

5. They really do love you

"I think I tell my girlfriend I love her all the time," one said.

"But I must not say it enough because she never seems to believe me."

6. They are not doing it on purpose

Whatever "it" is, they want you to know they aren't doing it to deliberately upset you. Really, until you pointed it out, they didn't know they were doing it.

7. They don't want you to talk during the football

Now this one surprised us, because we thought it was just a cliche, however, all but three of men we spoke to mentioned this one.

8. They don't care about your girlfriend's lives, or your hair or your clothes

"I don't want to have to listen to all the dramas of her friends, or whether her new hair colour is too dark or too light," one said.

"But when I seem disinterested, it upsets her."

9. They really do want more sex

Anytime, anywhere. It doesn't have to be a long session, or even a great one. Just more.

10. And just to be clear, you got the sex part, right?


TEN THINGS women want men to know

1. They want you to pay attention

"You can never massage a woman's feet or shoulders too much," Mandy said.

2. They aren't disinterested in sex, they're just not obsessed with it.

"A lot of woman may have read Fifty Shades of Grey," Mandy said.

"But most of us are more interested in the Dulux Colour Chart."

3. They are feminists, really.

"While I am certainly a feminist, there are certain jobs, like maggots in bins and blocked toilets that require a penis," Mandy said.

"I would of course do them myself, if not for my penis impairment."

4. Asking you to do some work around the house is not whinging or bitching

"My husband takes the bins out once a week, yet he refers to it almost daily," one said.

"If I ask him to pack the dishwasher he says, 'but I take the bins out, I shouldn't have to do this as well'."

5. If I give you a hug, it is not a cue for sex

"Same goes for snuggling on the lounge, rolling over in bed, or running from the bathroom to the closet naked."

6. Sometimes you just have to talk

"Even if you are not interested, it's a good idea to enquire daily about our feelings and then listen attentively to the download," Mandy said.

"Do not attempt to provide solutions but merely affirm that I am amazing, incredible and you don't know how I do it."

7. Beer bottle tops don't take themselves to the bin

The same goes for chip bags, wrappers of all descriptions and tissues.

8. There's no aphrodisiac like cleanliness

"If you clean up, or make a meal, your chances of sex increase," one said.

9. They are our kids; you can't pick and choose when to get involved

"My husband leaves everything to do with school up to me," one said. "It's like he thinks 'I'll handle sport, you handle school. No thanks."

10. The talking thing ... it's really important to us

"Really, the only complaint I have ... genuine complaint ... is that my husband treats conversations with me like some chore that he has to sit through before he can go and sit in front of the television," one said.

"It makes me feel bad and it makes me think he is a Neanderthal."


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